When you need to make a decision about care, it's often difficult to know where to go. If you have a question and don't see the answer, e-mail me and I'll try to help…

Shady Lane Nursing Care FAQ

Dear Theresa,

My Mom has been having some health-related difficulties lately. Since I am the only one of her children in town, the responsibility for her care is falling on me. How do I know whether a nursing home is too much care or not? What's my first step? I'm confused and don't know where to begin.

~Elisabeth N.

Dear Elizabeth,

First of all, you're not alone; there are a lot of people in your shoes. Secondly, in looking at possibilities for your mom it is important to her physical and mental health that she maintains as much independence as possible. Visit both assisted living and nursing care facilities and talk to the admissions personnel. Take notes and start a file. Each facility has its own personality and its own special niche in a community. Consider the things that have always been important to your mom. Don't be afraid to ask about pricing and about services that are offered to residents such as a beauty shop or outings. To make an informed decision, you'll want to visit at least three facilities. We have a free brochure, 25 Key Questions To Ask About Choosing the Perfect Nursing Home. They're available in the Shady Lane Lobby front desk.

-Theresa

Dear Theresa,

Our family is faced with a situation we just don't know how to work through. Dad's doctor says it's time for us to move him to a skilled care facility. We are in total agreement about this as we see that caring for him is wearing Mom down. She says she promised to love him in sickness and in health and that she loves him more than ever. Although Mom is slowing down, she can still live on her own. She worries about Dad and is afraid that if he moves to a skilled care facility, she will miss him and not see him every day. Either way, we're concerned about Mom's future. What can we do?

~Sharon

Dear Sharon,
Romance doesn't end when people become older. In fact, research shows that a healthy romantic relationship extends lives. If you consider a facility that has both skilled care and assisted living you will meet everyone's needs and satisfy them in the best way possible. Your father would receive the care he needs in the skilled care facility and your mother could have her own apartment and come and go as she wishes. This arrangement gives both of them everything they need to remain a couple without the burden of care.

- Theresa

Dear Theresa,

This is Judy. I'm the daughter-in-law, in some camps dubbed the "out-law", but beyond any family dynamics, I'm the person on whose shoulders falls the responsibility for my husband's parents' care. Although I tread carefully and am respectful of the others' feelings, they do not live in town nor do they assume any responsibility. I'm not complaining because I deeply care about Mom and Dad. I just need to know how to handle the authority issues that sometimes arise like who should talk to the nursing staff about preferences.

Thanks for listening,
Judy

Dear Judy,

First, you are not alone. Daughters-in-law are often the overseers of their in-law's care. And you are right; this can be a mine-field. What we'd suggest is that, while your husband is the named person in his parents' care, he makes sure that your name is listed as having authority in day-to-day care. That is, by the way, different from power of attorney or other legal instruments; it simply allows you the authority to make sure your in-laws are comfortable at their care facility.

Best wishes,

Theresa

Dear Theresa,

My husband's health has been failing for some time and I know I won't be able to care for him for much longer. I've visited a number of facilities, talked to a lot of people and have a pile of literature. That seems to be the easy part because I'm still confused. Although everyone has been helpful, we can't seem to move to the next step. He has good days when I think I can handle things but when he has bad days I reconsider. It's a roller coaster ride and I just don't know how to figure out what kind of care he really needs. Can you help?

~Roberta

Dear Roberta,

You're right, finding the appropriate care is a little like a roller coaster ride. Not everyone needs a care facility and there are a lot of options available. Finding the right level of care for him is what's important. Our policy is to talk things through with families since Shady Lane may or may not be the answer. However, an objective assessment can be made and then you decide what the best choice is. This may even open choices you may not have thought of and create a continuum of care, a longer range plan of options that considers what he needs now and what he may need in the future. I will be happy to sit down with you. We do this at no cost and with no obligation as a part of Shady Lane's commitment to the community.

-Theresa